you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
