He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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