hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
