There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
