we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I skipped work to stalk him.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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