you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
