Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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