I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
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