T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
