Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
