using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
