We're like a lot better than the average bears
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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