just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
