Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The uberlube is also flammable
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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