1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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