drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
