Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
