He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
