Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
