i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
he told me I talked like a deaf person
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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