I am midnight drunk by noon
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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