I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
