right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
