Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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