Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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