u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
