i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
