I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
