I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
