The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
