he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
