you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
