Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
