The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
