Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Randomize
