just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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