I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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