A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Randomize
