I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
