FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
