There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
