gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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