I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
