I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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