Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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