I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
