be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
