I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
