Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
