In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
