Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
